Behind the doors

Sometimes a (mental/emotional) healing process can look and feel like something I experienced many years ago.

I used to work as a primary school teacher back then and at the school I worked at we needed people trained in first aid and fire safety.
I was (randomly)chosen (it was not voluntary…aargh….but for once I’m glad I was) with two other colleagues to go on a safety training.

The first part consisted of a first aid medical training, which I had done a few times before (bit of yawning with “not that silly stuff with a dummy again while everyone is watching”)
and in the second part, being the more exciting one; we would receive a full day of training by real, experienced firemen.

It was a day I will always remember and when we first thought we knew how to deal with a (small) fire, we later realised we knew so little.

The first part of the day was theory and hearing the experiences of the firemen in the field.
The second half we had to put what we had learned into practise.
The way they had set it up was quite clever and impactful:
We would go on seperate assignments inside a building, each of us assisted by a fireman.

I found myself in a hallway at one point and on each side were three doors.
Behind each door, there was an unknown scenario involving a fire.
All were being controlled by experts, but feeling quite dangerous and haunting to us nonetheless.

I remember feeling like I was on a quest (cue very clumsy Indiana Jones)
You could not just open a door and jump in; in case of a (suspected) fire, one even had to be careful with and how a door would be opened,
so there was hesitation.
You had no idea what to expect. Behind some doors you had to improvise quickly, (fire extinguisher faulty, looking for a blanket etc) in other rooms it was a question of calmly putting a lid on a pan. In one room the heat was so unbearable and the smoke so thick, we had to crawl over the floor.

I still see it all vividly and it has deeply changed how I look at fire safety and how we respond.

I got reminded of it recently, going through a scary healing process,(will write more about that another time; trauma work/shadow work)
where I felt like I was in a (virtual) hallway with on each side a few doors and the only way out was going into each room
and finishing unknown tasks in there, without having any prior knowledge or knowing what to expect.

While your inner-child screams that it “can’t do it”, “won’t do it”, is “too terrified to do it”,
you know your soul is telling you it needs you to do it, in order to start healing.
No way out of the pain but through the pain. Now way out of the fear but through the fear.
No way out of the resisting but to stop resisting (I know how that sounds, but it is not as easy as one would think)

Finding myself in front of these virtual, mysterious doors within, (“the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek”-joseph campbell)
I felt that fire burning closely. Again.

You know the joke where they praise and applaud the hero who saved someone from drowning and when he is interviewed he says:

“But I was pushed!”
That is how I felt, finding myself there.
What did I do in the real scenario? I had the assistance of the experienced fireman.
That seemed so easy now, in comparison.
I was facing an inner fire, alone.
I screamed I could not do it. I yelled that I wouldn’t do it, I shouted that I was too terrified.
It must have looked like an exorcism to some extent, for a stranger passing by.

I was shaking wildly.
There was a shift happening within me.
One where everything was first in chaos, wild, rushed and in turmoil….
and when the fire was controlled…an, until then, unknown, yet familiar calmth descended upon me with a feeling of unconditional love and peace enveloping all.

I will remember this experience as well as the real doors I was standing in front.
They have both changed me.
Even though I was terrified, even though I thought I could not and would not, even though I felt like I was pushed and not the hero saviour,
I still did it.
Facing the fear means liberation.
These doors, you will face them again and again and again.

Sometimes healing looks like this.

May it always liberate and empower you, on the path of reclaiming your health 💗

With love,
Silvia