I found a little gem of a, lesser known, (children’s) book, called THE DOT, written by Peter H. Reynolds (note: I recommend it for every age) and it moved me to tears. He writes the story of a little girl in her art class who says she ‘can’t draw’ and leaves a blank page. Fortunately, her art teacher is something else….She tells her to make a mark on the blank page. She then puts a dot on the paper. Then the teacher tells her to sign it. The next week in art class the girl sees the teacher has framed her Dot and put it up above her desk. It is the beginning of the blossoming of a young artist.

It moved me so deeply as I have had such different experiences throughout my life. Art teachers openly telling me I can’t draw and giving me bad grades for something I worked really hard for. This teacher, on the other hand, understood. She was a real one. Her simple, yet grand gesture, changed everything for that little girl. I needed someone like that in my life. I hope I have been someone like that for other people (having been a teacher for over fifteen years) and I need to be that person for myself now. That is what it all is about.

A little boy at the end of the book says: ”I can’t even draw a straight line against a ruler’ and that’s me. But IS that me though? Or is that the me I was conditioned into believing I was? “someone who cannot draw” (what is that even) The teachers who were so inept and insecure and made their profession appear like it was this secret club, only accessible for a very small, specially chosen group of people. If only I had known then, what I know now..(Hey, we can*t all be Rembrandt and we do not have to, as there already is one) Well, the conversations with those art teachers would have been very, very different. It would not have taken me decades to recover from the feelings of unworthiness.

I remember a conversation I had years ago with an art teacher friend who was talking about a nephew who called his own work ‘art’ and that he disagreed (the boy compared his painting of lines to Mondrian and the art teacher found that “ridiculous”) I said I agreed with his nephew, why not call yourself artist? When are you allowed then to call yourself one? Only if others approve? Those with the titles? If you are admired by everyone? If you sell your work? If your work is in a museum? I don’t see the world that way. It is all opinion anyway. Do you enjoy creating? (creativity is part of being human) Does it make you happy? That is all that matters. You ARE an artist my friend!

Having been stuck for the longest time, in every way, I think it’s time to start with that dot, that line, that circle I could hardly draw with the help of a jar. Creativity is part of healing. What matters anyway?

Start now, with a dot. Any. A line. With a ruler, a jar or not. The old voices of the inept teachers and advisors will become a very distant static interference that is fading more and more (“If you hear a voice that says “you cannot paint”, then by all means continue to paint”-Vincent van Gogh) Soon the lines and dots you connect will become the crumbs to find your way back and forth, on your creative journey. Onwards…wherever it takes you….

Do(t) it and then sign it, dear Artist.

(Thank you Mr. Reynolds for writing it. I bought it for my daughter….but it deeply spoke to me too)

Sometimes a (mental/emotional) healing process can look and feel like something I experienced many years ago.

I used to work as a primary school teacher back then and at the school I worked at we needed people trained in first aid and fire safety.
I was (randomly)chosen (it was not voluntary…aargh….but for once I’m glad I was) with two other colleagues to go on a safety training.

The first part consisted of a first aid medical training, which I had done a few times before (bit of yawning with “not that silly stuff with a dummy again while everyone is watching”)
and in the second part, being the more exciting one; we would receive a full day of training by real, experienced firemen.

It was a day I will always remember and when we first thought we knew how to deal with a (small) fire, we later realised we knew so little.

The first part of the day was theory and hearing the experiences of the firemen in the field.
The second half we had to put what we had learned into practise.
The way they had set it up was quite clever and impactful:
We would go on seperate assignments inside a building, each of us assisted by a fireman.

I found myself in a hallway at one point and on each side were three doors.
Behind each door, there was an unknown scenario involving a fire.
All were being controlled by experts, but feeling quite dangerous and haunting to us nonetheless.

I remember feeling like I was on a quest (cue very clumsy Indiana Jones)
You could not just open a door and jump in; in case of a (suspected) fire, one even had to be careful with and how a door would be opened,
so there was hesitation.
You had no idea what to expect. Behind some doors you had to improvise quickly, (fire extinguisher faulty, looking for a blanket etc) in other rooms it was a question of calmly putting a lid on a pan. In one room the heat was so unbearable and the smoke so thick, we had to crawl over the floor.

I still see it all vividly and it has deeply changed how I look at fire safety and how we respond.

I got reminded of it recently, going through a scary healing process,(will write more about that another time; trauma work/shadow work)
where I felt like I was in a (virtual) hallway with on each side a few doors and the only way out was going into each room
and finishing unknown tasks in there, without having any prior knowledge or knowing what to expect.

While your inner-child screams that it “can’t do it”, “won’t do it”, is “too terrified to do it”,
you know your soul is telling you it needs you to do it, in order to start healing.
No way out of the pain but through the pain. Now way out of the fear but through the fear.
No way out of the resisting but to stop resisting (I know how that sounds, but it is not as easy as one would think)

Finding myself in front of these virtual, mysterious doors within, (“the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek”-joseph campbell)
I felt that fire burning closely. Again.

You know the joke where they praise and applaud the hero who saved someone from drowning and when he is interviewed he says:

“But I was pushed!”
That is how I felt, finding myself there.
What did I do in the real scenario? I had the assistance of the experienced fireman.
That seemed so easy now, in comparison.
I was facing an inner fire, alone.
I screamed I could not do it. I yelled that I wouldn’t do it, I shouted that I was too terrified.
It must have looked like an exorcism to some extent, for a stranger passing by.

I was shaking wildly.
There was a shift happening within me.
One where everything was first in chaos, wild, rushed and in turmoil….
and when the fire was controlled…an, until then, unknown, yet familiar calmth descended upon me with a feeling of unconditional love and peace enveloping all.

I will remember this experience as well as the real doors I was standing in front.
They have both changed me.
Even though I was terrified, even though I thought I could not and would not, even though I felt like I was pushed and not the hero saviour,
I still did it.
Facing the fear means liberation.
These doors, you will face them again and again and again.

Sometimes healing looks like this.

May it always liberate and empower you, on the path of reclaiming your health 💗

With love,
Silvia

I have read countless so called self-help books on my journey, some helpful, some merely a waste of time.
There is one book that I keep coming back to year after year and that is
The heart of the soul by Gary Zukav.
No other book has resonated so deeply with me.

I’m a collector of many, many things (…) books obviously, useless junk, (what I once perceived as very important,
has morphed into something pointless) accumulating dust in the waiting room of things to be disposed of, eventually (garage to recycling centre)
and quotes…….those too.
I say, good quotes can be your lighthouse and the way out of your darkest hour.
I will share with you some of my favourites.

May they be the lit lantern for you too.
The only way out……is in 💗

    **********************

“The work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work
on the images imprisoned within you.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

“The love you withhold, is the pain you carry.”
-Ralph Emerson

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anais Nin

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
― Joseph Campbell

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou

“Resisting the circumstances of your life is like saying to a river:
You should not be flowing here. You should be flowing over there.” -Gary Zukav

“Your inner landscape is the anchor of your experience. It is richer than your outer landscape,
no matter how magnificent the sunrise, how awesome the night sky, or how immense the turbulent ocean that is rushing toward you.”
-Gary Zukav

“You experience your soul each time you sense yourself as more than a mind and body, your life as meaningful,
or you feel that you have gifts to give and you long to give them.”
— Gary Zukav

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
― J. Krishnamurti

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
― Albert Camus

I used to think loving yourself was selfish, ego-centered.
I did not understand the concept. Until recently I believe.
What is seen and heavily promoted as self-love in our (extremely dysfunctional) society, is in fact not love at all,
but a fleeting gratification of ego-driven urges.

With this in mind I have been playing with this concept.
I remembered a quote I read many years ago, I don’t know whose it is, but it hits the nail:
“If you love yourself, you will never hurt another person”, and another one, this one is attributed to
Emerson: “The love you withhold is the pain you carry“.

Can you, right in this moment, think of an act of self-love, a way to treat yourself?
But, there is a rule.
This treat for yourself cannot be:
-a purchase (either online or in an actual shop) nor something edible
or
-anything that feeds a(nother) possible addiction (…fill in yourself, if you are aware of one)
So……try to make a list…..

I did this and was astonished how the first things I came up with were a purchase and food.
When I challenged myself to think of other ways I first hit a wall.
Could not think of anything at all, which made me realise how materialistic, addicted and domesticated 🙂 I still am in many ways.
That is alright. Moving on! (haha)

When I started though….I made a whole list.
I will not write it here, as the exercise is more powerful and valuable to your soul if you have to go through that same process.
I will say this though:
I put on my list “write myself a love note“.
I still have to do that one, but I am looking forward to it.
Expect laughter and tears.
This is what healing also looks like.

Many blessings 💗

Something I have come across several times during my chronic pain journey is journaling.
There are many unique and personal ways to approach this.
Typing or writing, pencil or pen, notebook or loose papers, bullet-points or essays? (Or even using your voice- audio recordings, if you cannot type/write)
No matter your style, journaling done right can give you deep insights into your pain and the possible cause of it.

What luggage do you carry from your past and present? Are you aware of it and how deeply that can impact you and your wellbeing?
Writing what comes up, naturally, may bring very surprising results in your healing journey. You only need so little, a pen, paper, yourself, an intention and any time, any place.

After several attempts in the past decade, I did not seriously start this until last month.
It has been nothing but mind-blowing, things surfacing and resurfacing, trickling both into my dreams and waking life.

I feel in a way like sweeping the deck, changing the violin strings and arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic,
by doing this in a time of war, but since the only way out is IN, this work is sacred.
It is the road less travelled for a reason and you will find out when you start exploring your inner landscape.
They do say “The longest journey you will make is from your head to your heart” and that is a true story 🙂

I thought it would require my mind to listen and hear…and tried to force that…….but it is only through the heart that we can understand 💗

Realising you are more than a body and a mind is already an enormous liberating act and sets you free in many ways.
Now, let’s go and write, free ourselves from more self-imposed prisons.
Doors will close and more will open.
Best to remember that “There is no coming to consciousness without pain”(Jung) and be patient with ourselves on that journey within. 💗

Recommended books:
*The heart of the soul-Gary Zukav
*The mindbody prescription-John E. Sarno

With love 💗,

Silvia

Always thinking in visions and metaphors, I remembered a brilliant scene in one of my favourite movies,
“Young Frankenstein”, where Victor Frankenstein (played by Gene Wilder) is about to enter a room where the monster is being held, to convince him that he is loved as,
‘love is the only thing that can save him’.
Before entering, Victor tells his assistants:

“No matter what you hear in there,
no matter how cruelly I beg you
no matter how terribly I may scream,
do NOT open this door,
or you will undo everything I have worked for.”

He then enters the room which is locked behind him.
Upon seeing the monster get up and growl, he bangs on the door and screams:

“Let me out!
Let me out of here,
you get me the hell out of here!
What’s the matter with you people,
I was joking!
Don’t you know a joke when you hear one?”

A hilarious scene…and one that serves as a metaphor for life itself, really..
Especially in the times we are in..

Let’s assume we signed up for this before we came here in this realm.
From a higher perspective, the experience sounded like a good idea.
‘On the ground’ however, it’s much harder than we thought, with all the
physical and emotional challenges, pressure, fear, pain and confusion…
Banging on that virtual door, repeatedly and daily. Trying to run from the hideous monster, who might just be another part of our self.

Now, if we could only convince ourselves that we are loved, on the deepest levels and know it fully,
that it’s this that will ‘save’ us, in the end 🧡

Sometimes you feel stuck.
Stuck in body through discomfort, pain, blocked in mind, unable to put your thoughts and feelings into words (…it has been a while since my last entry)
Frozen in place, seemingly empty, but everything stirring, unseen, under the surface.
It can feel like a waste of time, procrastinating even.
Or, maybe, you are waiting for divine timing?

If you live with chronic pain, you will have untold stories within you. I was told by a friend, a very skilled massage therapist, that all our unresolved trauma*s also get stored somewhere inside our bodies. When you undergo deep tissue massaging, these stored memories, issues, untold stories can resurface. You could relive experiences from many years ago. These thoughts stayed with me. We are unfinished masterpieces, fragmented into little pieces, waiting to be put together.

It is said that it is a great agony to have an untold story inside.
All those times that people would not listen or let you finish your sentences.
All those times they ignored or belittled you, the stories remained.
Stuck in the internal waiting-room with the other endless tales,
hoping to, perhaps, be released one day.

Sometimes it is us. The words remain unspoken because they are too painful to utter. Sometimes we hesitate how to begin.
Because we do not want to bother others.
Because we are unsure if it all means something.
Because we fear the rejection.

What matters to you?
Why are your stories still untold?
Do they need to be listened to?
Does it matter who hears it?
Is it important that they approve?
Do they need to be written or spoken?

I felt stuck and then I made myself begin.
Perhaps I was not even stuck, I just thought it needed to be good or in a certain way. I just thought I needed an audience. Was I overthinking it, trying to tame the pure fierceness and power of the unspoken words, out of fear?
Is it as simple as just speaking them out loud?

When you release, you start healing that part of yourself.

So…do you know now what you need?
Then, begin.
The words are waiting to be freed…🧡

I once had a conversation where I mentioned I could not do something because of chronic pain issues.
The person asked: “You mean you have it right now?”.
They genuinely did not understand what chronic even means and followed by saying they had a backache one time but a painkiller helped straight away and if I had ever thought about that. (eyeroll)
Could have called them sarcastic if they had been smarter!

I imagine these ‘me-myself-and I ‘types liking these alternative “get well soon” messages when they find out the nature of a chronic condition:

Get well soon-ish!
Have a s(p)eedy recovery!
This too shall pass. Nevermind!
Hope you feel better next day/decade.
Sick, again?
Hang in there-the Guinness book edition

But then again, they were not funny either 😉

Having MCS (Multiple Chemical sensitivity) it’s often challenging to buy items online,
(even more difficult at the moment where everything is pushed online…)
as you cannot smell what you are buying, only to find out afterwards that you have ‘invited’ something toxic into your home. (usually with raincoats, diy tools, plastic files, cosmetics, but could be anything)

I recently had an adventure where I had to find out what was causing an MCS flare (sinus pain, migraine, dizziness, nausea, confusion, brain fog, slurred speech….)

I could not put my finger on what was causing me such misery, but had to put and end to it and the scenes that followed for a few days were ‘Sleuth dog on the job’,
me sniffing around, through drawers, behind doors, in corners and cupboards,
in purses and under pillows, with the risk of making it even worse.

And then, after two days, I found the culprit, a new soap in a drawer next to my bed, bought online, still in its box, which I could not even remember putting there…

I think people who don’t have it don’t understand this condition and I even have it in a milder form than many do.

I’m looking into the brain-gut connection at the moment (the gut is our other brain) and how it connects to MCS, IBS and how we can heal.

💗

We are living in challenging times.
The system is collapsing.
We have a choice in which direction to go, but in order to do that we first have to see and become conscious.
Coming to consciousness hurts (Jung) and most people are not willing to feel that, nor to take that responsibility.

This page is about chronic pain, holistic healing and well-being overall.
I have never resonated with the system we were ‘born into’.
I was always scared of ‘the white coats’, of being forced into medical procedures, of having to do things that go against my very core.
I stand for total medical freedom over our own body, mind and spirit.

To find ourselves at these crossroads, taking the first step on this road less travelled, we first have to get mad, real mad:

“All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad!
You’ve got to say, “I’m a HUMAN BEING, GODDAMNIT! My LIFE has VALUE!!
So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs.
I want you to get up right now, and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell:
I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!!”
(from the movie “Network”)

You can whisper or scream it, out of the window or not, but make that decision.

Is this normal?
This world of inversion?
(health is disease, poison is health,
good is bad, bad is good, logic is madness, madness is logic)
Is disease the default instead of health?
More and more people having chronic pain?
Is this even food we are eating?
Is this clean air we are breathing? (no breathing at all with a mask)
Is this life now where we are not allowed to act and think for ourselves?

So, let’s go on that road, to the world where we can fully stand in our powers as human beings.
Where we can live from all the abundance our beautiful Earth provides.
We can create it. We are the ones we have been waiting for (cliche but true!)

Like the artist making a sculpture: the end result is already inside the sculpture, the artist ‘only’ needs to sculpt his way to it.
Our healing, the world and life we deserve, it already exists.
We ‘only’ have to remove the blockages and the hurdles. (if it was easy, everyone would be on that road)

We are the remedy ❤